I relapsed in my eating disorder…I’m not sure why I have so much shame about it right now. Maybe because I haven’t done it in fourish months? Or because I feel like there’s people here who care about me and I’m letting them down. I think at the end of the day it’s most important to be honest. I guess most of all, I feel shame because I lay on my bed crying and thinking about it, and fully had the ability not to do it. I thought, “I actually love myself, I just hate my body right now. I could just not do it, distract myself, call my sponsor, etc. But I choose not to do that.” I even prayed to mama as I purged. Who does that? I suppose I should give myself a break. My brain chemistry is off from the pill change, I’m stressed about money, I’ve been sick (which is a huge huge trigger) for almost three weeks now, and I’m juggling three jobs. Because my eating disorder wants me to continue to shame myself. It’s funny, I’ll decide not to restrict, and my eating disorder is like OK THAT’S COOL JUST BINGE, I’ll decide not to binge, and my eating disorder is like AWESOME JUST DON’T EAT ALL DAY. I guess what I’m saying is, as long as I’m miserable and in self-hatred it doesn’t matter what I do to my eating disorder.
So. Attempting to get Windows 7 on my mac and running into echelons of problems, but it’s a distraction and eventually I should be able to play a MMORPG, which is exciting. And distracting. It’s hard to hate your body when you’re kicking major ass, yes?
Much love to you all, and thank you for your never ceasing support. <3