I relapsed in my eating disorder…I’m not sure why I have so much shame about it right now. Maybe because I haven’t done it in fourish months? Or because I feel like there’s people here who care about me and I’m letting them down. I think at the end of the day it’s most important to be honest. I guess most of all, I feel shame because I lay on my bed crying and thinking about it, and fully had the ability not to do it. I thought, “I actually love myself, I just hate my body right now. I could just not do it, distract myself, call my sponsor, etc. But I choose not to do that.” I even prayed to mama as I purged. Who does that? I suppose I should give myself a break. My brain chemistry is off from the pill change, I’m stressed about money, I’ve been sick (which is a huge huge trigger) for almost three weeks now, and I’m juggling three jobs. Because my eating disorder wants me to continue to shame myself. It’s funny, I’ll decide not to restrict, and my eating disorder is like OK THAT’S COOL JUST BINGE, I’ll decide not to binge, and my eating disorder is like AWESOME JUST DON’T EAT ALL DAY. I guess what I’m saying is, as long  as I’m miserable and in self-hatred it doesn’t matter what I do to my eating disorder.

So. Attempting to get Windows 7 on my mac and running into echelons of problems, but it’s a distraction and eventually I should be able to play a MMORPG, which is exciting. And distracting. It’s hard to hate your body when you’re kicking major ass, yes?

Much love to you all, and thank you for your never ceasing support. <3

That smile. It’s so gorgeous. There’s true gratitude and joy there. And umm…is that confidence I see there? Even if it isn’t real, it looks real. And that my friend, is a skill that will server you well. Thanks for posting this. It’s beautiful.

You are so welcome. I believe it is confidence…it’s growing from the inside out. It’s more delectable that way, I think.

Do you have an action plan at all for times like this?

It’s funny you say that…when I was going to mental hospitals frequently, the intensive outpatient programs were big on action plans. I always had one yet never used it. I don’t have one now. I’ve gone through several rough patches in recovery, months of depression from post-acute withdrawal, isolation, etc. But I’ve gotten through it all. I go to therapy weekly (I used to go bi-weekly), but mostly I just live in recovery. I’m grateful I don’t have to have an action plan today, mostly because those words make me nervous. (Perhaps from previous experience — that they are things I am “supposed to do” yet was never able to.) I prayed to mama (my higher power), I called my sponsor, I texted a few sober friends, I wrote and tomorrow I will go to a meeting. (Also call my psychiatrist to let her know I‘m going back to my previous dose.) As uncomfortable as it is, I have no doubt that I will get through. I suppose hearing that I have the urge to self injure sounds concerning, but for me it’s the same as cravings for alcohol or eating disorder behaviors. It’s something that I had to use for a long time to survive this pain. But today I don’t — I suppose my action plan can be what my sponsor said, “don’t drink (cut, purge), go to meetings, call your sponsor, talk to sober friends.” I don’t know if that clarifies things at all, my mind is a bit muddy with the depression. I appreciate you asking/curiosity/caring, though I’m not particularly good at conveying emotion right now. Thank you.

loudandfierceandwild:

As this blinding cloak descends
I steal glances through the fold
A razor’s edge of faith
Preoccupied love still waits
Drawing condensed breaths
of three dimensional patience.

I can’t abide stagnant feet
Quivering on cement sidewalks
Scraped toes stare brashly
I’m not alone with this body
Warrior flesh in every step
Scarred eyes to the sky.

It may not be the best poem I’ve ever written (though in my alcoholic world I would adore the drama of that — depression being the catalyst for great writing), but I think it’s better for that. It’s not amazing but it exists. When I open my mind to suggestion, it seems small miracles of serenity can occur…recovery never ceases to amaze me.

I recently lowered my dose of Welbutrin with my psychiatrist, and I’ve been down the past few days, but today it hit. For me, there’s a very specific feeling of chemical depression. I lose all interest and motivation in anything. Food doesn’t taste good. All I want to do is hide in bed. But I’m in recovery…I called my sponsor, who’s in Italy and then Paris until next week. It is really hard for me to call her, so I’m grateful I was able to. I texted a couple of friends in recovery and haven’t heard back, and there aren’t any meetings later tonight, since it’s already 6:30 on a Thursday. I’ll make it until tomorrow morning and hit a meeting then. Just don’t drink (don’t cut, don’t purge) no matter what….

I’m really triggered to cut. I couldn’t figure out why my self esteem has been horrid, though I’ve been doing positive body things, the past few days. It makes sense now. I have the urge to slash away all the fat, I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It’s just a feeling. Feelings aren’t facts. I love myself no matter what even if I can’t feel it right now.

So…I don’t know. If no one texts me back I’ll be okay. I’ll read and curl up in bed and cry some more and wake up and go to a meeting, they start at 6:30 tomorrow morning. I guess things have been so great lately I forgot how to just breathe through the pain. I’ve made it through so much, this is a small bump even though it is so painful right now. I pray(ed) to mama to help me stay sober, in recovery…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now, but help me do it.

Orion asked if I’d written, and I said that I don’t write when I’m depressed. It seems a cliche that many great depressed writers wrote their best when depressed (or drunk), but neither of those are true for me. But I’m in recovery today, and I get to choose new paths….

grrrlfever:

vulvas/vaginas aren’t disgusting they’re frickin magical

they come in so many different shapes and sizes and colours (all of which are really neat!!) and are as unique as your face or your fingerprints and they have cute hair that can be long or short or non existent depending on what u choose to do with it

and they smell and taste good and they have a cute lil button (which is actually not that little under the surface!!) that has something like 8,000 nerve endings which is A LOT and if u touch it enough and in the right way u can have an orgasm!! how rad is that??? and inside the actual vagina its really warm and squishy and soft and if u go a little further up theres a uterus which is capable of bringing a person into the world which is really quite amazing and whenever ur not makin people inside ur body it will shed its lining once a month which can be kinda uncomfortable but its also pretty fuckin hardcore!!!!

so if you think anything about vaginas/vulvas/uteruses are disgusting you are so wrong friendo

so very very wrong

I love this. It reminds me of sobbing at treatment that I hated my vagina. My lovely soft friend, today I adore you. I will shower you with love and confetti from now on. <3

I’ve collected many friends and stories throughout my journey…

Travel through my tumblr:

• My words, in various incantations
• Personal stories
• PTSD Recovery
• Eating Disorder Recovery
• Alcoholism
• Gratitude
• Mama (my higher power)
• Self Injury Recovery
• Gratuitous pictures of myself

Dear friends & delightful men and women in recovery:

• Lady Tiger Productions: A sassy, fabulous woman in recovery. Act like a lady, think like a tiger. Need I say more?
• Orion: He’s a tag, and a most wonderful person.
• manifestabsurdity: One of my favorite people, not to mention he works the twelve steps as an atheist. (Bad assery!) And a meticulous conversationalist.
• realbodyrevolution: Body Acceptance
• angria: Beautiful friend with great courage, working on recovery from ptsd, self injury, and other mental illnesses.
• friendofbillw: A strong woman with a strong program.
• internalacceptancemovement: Radical self acceptance
• btwimsober: Fashionable and in recovery.
• shitscreeksurvivor: The real, gritty deal about recovery.
• out-of-the-vein: Beautiful posts and sobriety.
• theycallmegomer: A woman in recovery I look up to.

Other lovely places on the world wide web:

• a quiet place
• “For Women Who Are Difficult To Love” by Warsan Shire